goldilks's Blog

My friend

 For me, joining EP was opening a can of worms.  I discovered this site after entering "sexless marriage" into a google search.  It turned out my shameful secret was not uncommon.  It wasn't long before I heard about the website Ashley Madison and out of curiosity, I checked it out.  I created a profile, not really expecting anything but soon started hearing from men.  Surprisingly, I really didn't meet any creeps.  Just a lot of people in similar situations...kind of stuck in bad marriages for finances, the kids, etc.

One person I met was B.  We had a nice rapport in our online exchanges and it turned out that we grew up in the same town but he's 7 years older than me so we never crossed paths.  He now lives over an hour away from me and is married with 4 kids.  Sexless, unhappy marriage.  Our first "date" was at a park on a nice fall day almost 4 years ago. I brought my dog and we walked and talked.  I wouldn't say I was bowled over in love/lust with him but he was likable.  When it was time to leave, we said goodbye near my car and he gave me the sweetest little kisses on the tongue...something very sweet and sexy.  I got in my car and I thought to myself "I can do this."  It was the first time I'd been kissed in a long time and it felt good! Up until that point,  I wasn't so sure that I could actually go through with seeing someone while I was married.

Anyway, to move on a bit...we continued to see each other in the park and would end up making out in his car.  Neither one of us had had an affair before so it didn't move forward too fast.  When we finally went to a hotel, he couldn't get it up.  He acted like it wasn't a big deal, and made sure to please me in other ways.  But he said that it never happened before.  Every time we met, it happened again so it was an issue.  I saw other people but always came back to him.  So we've been friends for almost 4 years now.  

Why?  We both are in bad shape financially.  We can't see each other often because we don't live close and I went back to work full time.  We can't afford a hotel room.  I often wonder why I keep him in my life.  I guess it's good to have someone out there who understands what you're going through.  Someone to fool around with once in a while.  I like having him in my life but I can't tell anyone about him.  I berate myself about this at times because it's not really a relationship.  But it's a little bit of happiness in my otherwise unhappy life.  I don't think I'm ready to look for a real boyfriend so this is what I've got for now.  

Remember the good times

 Trying to keep things in perspective.  I know I've probably had more happiness in my life than I would have expected or maybe even more than I really deserved.  I have to try to remember that.  I generally look at the glass as half empty. Although, I feel like it's when I count my blessings that things go really wrong.  I remember one morning long ago when I was home with my very young children I thought to myself as my husband left for work how lucky I was that my husband was happy working and providing for us and that I was able to stay home. I don't know how long after that he cracked but he did.  But I always had a safety net. We were never broke. I don't know how to be broke.  Yet here I am.  I will need to borrow from my inheritance (essentially use it all up before my mother dies) to pay for housing.  Once that money is gone, I'll be in bad shape.  I know what I'll have to do then.  It's a life choice and I'll make it.  Trying not to panic. Trying to remember to take it one day at a time, one hour or minute at a time if need be.   That's all I can do for now.

No where to turn

When I'm home on my days off, I'm completely unproductive. I should be getting my house in order to put on the market soon but I'm overwhelmed and don't do much.  I am also panicked because I will have to rent a place when I sell this house. I will only get half of the equity and that won't be much.  I don't make enough money to rent anything in this area so I really don't know where to go. On Saturday, in a panic, I texted my sister in South Carolina.  She's alone, renting a three bedroom house there.  I asked her if my daughter and I could move in with her when I sell. I said I'd pay rent and look for a job when I get there.  She put me off by saying "we'll talk about it when the time comes and there are lots of inexpensive places to rent here."  

Believe me, my asking her was a last resort.  I really have no one to turn to.  I am all alone with a ton of stresses.  I just need to get through a few more years.  Get my younger one into college.  Then I'm done.  It's just lasting that long - how to do it?

Want to enjoy the time I have

I didn't pay my life insurance so I have to try to get a new policy.  I will have to wait at least a year to kill myself after that.  I want to try to just enjoy the time I have until then and not worry about anything.  But knowing what I'm planning makes me sad.  Sad that I have to do it.  But there is no other way.  i am facing poverty and I won't put myself or my kids through it.  I want to be able to leave them something to get started in life.  I haven't been much of a mother for them.  They will go on.

It gets better?

To convince gay teens not to commit suicide, there's the "It gets better" campaign to let them know that life gets better as you get older and can live your own life.

I am not gay so this campaign does not apply to me.  But, I think about the phrase and I realize that for me, life didn't get better.  I was suicidal in college (and possibly at times in High Schoo) and in my early 20's.  Never so suicidal that I actually had a plan but it crossed my mind a lot.  I think, deep down, I had enough optimism to think that things would get better for me.  That my life would magically come together and I would live what I believed to be a "normal" life. 

For a time it appeared that perhaps I'd attained that "normal" life and there were times where I believed that it was my destiny.  But in reality, it was smoke and mirrors...there was nothing real there, it was just a matter of time before everything imploded.  Now, I there are times I think that I should have killed myself early on, before getting myself into this mess.  Now I have 2 kids to think about so ending it all is so much more complicated.  But everyday is suffering and I know it will only get worse, not better.

Birthday dinner

My STBX's birthday is on Friday and he sent me an email saying he thought it would be nice if all four of us (me, him and our two daughters) go out to dinner together.

I thought it was an odd request.  The only reason that I could come up with is that our older daughter really doesn't want to have much to do with him and maybe he figured this was the only way to get her to go to dinner for his birthday.

When I asked him if he really wanted me to go, he said yes because he wants us to be on the same side as much as possible. (something like that, I can't remember his exact words).

The thing is, I really do not like being around him and hearing him talk.  If I go, I will have to bite my tongue a lot!  I don't know why he thinks that my going to dinner with them means that we're getting along or something.  The man is so dillusional.

Not sure what to do.

My older daughter said that we would end up arguing and I told her I would try hard not  to argue on his birthday. She said even if we don't argue, there will be "tacit" arguing, lol.

Somehow, I think it will be more uncomfortable for the kids if I go.  I am not dying to go.  Can I just say no?

You don't need drugs or alcohol to mess up your life

My life is a shambles.  

In the process of divorcing a man I probably should never have married, though I didn't realize it at the time.

To my parents, my getting married was the most important thing in the world.  I worked hard in HS and got good grades and my father actually suggested to me that I go to secretarial school since I would probably get married and not have a career. (I graduated HS in 1981, granted, he was old school but my sister was already married and had a career).

On the outside, I said I didn't agree.  But deep down I embraced the idea of being taken care of by a man and having a family.  This was mostly due to insecurity on my part and the lack of confidence to believe that I could actually make something of myself and earn a decent living.  I also saw older siblings and it didn't look like that much fun slaving away for an employer.  

I married a lawyer.  I did love him but I think that if I had dated him earlier (before my mid 20's when I thought I'd really better start settling down), I probably would have dated him longer and realized he was not right.  He could never keep a job but I always believed him when he said it was "them not him."

I had kids, stayed home and really became afraid of going back into the world again.

When he flipped out and tried to commit suicide in 2001, I should have taken that as a clear sign that I would need to learn to take care of myself and my kids.  But, his employer continued paying his 6 figure salary while he was out on disability for "depression" and then he went back to work all medicated and upbeat. I allowed myself to believe the worst was behind us.  He never tried suicide again but there were other times where he took time off for depression.  He never stayed in a job more than a couple years but he always managed to have a job.  So I didn't focus on the fact that he really didnt' have a career...he was able to jump from place to place for a while.  He finally got to the end of the line about 6 years ago and decided to go into financial planning.. That never worked out but since we had a good amount of money saved up, I was able to lull myself into believing it was all a matter of time until he started earning again. 

Well, now I'm separated, almost broke.  I've been working for the past year as an admin assistant and I'm making 35K a year which would not cover rent in a slum in this area.  

He's not making any money.

So here's the summary:
Worked to get good grades in school
Went to a good college.
Never got into drugs or alcohol.
Never got into debt (other than mortgage)
Tried to live the "straight and narrow"

But...ignored reality!

So, now I am in a state of panic, I have no support system, either financially or emotionally.  I have two kids and I don't know what I'm going to do.  No one has any answers because you cannot make 2 +2 =5 no matter what.  So I am just screwed.

I should have just partied my life away.  It would have been a hell of a lot more fun.


Tonight, I sat down to dinner with my daughters and could not hold back my tears.  My older daughter asked me to tell her why I was crying and I really didn't have an answer for her.  Unfortunately, the dinner ended with arguing...with my daughter telling me I was self pitying and that I never care about her feelings.

I have been trying to figure out where the tears were coming from...of course, I know on the surface level it's the reality of my situation...not knowing where I am going to be able to live with them and if I can keep them in their school.  But as I thought about it all, it has more to do with shame.  I am ashamed of myself for letting my life get to this point.  I went to a good college but never applied myself career-wise.  I let myself depend on a man and even when he became less dependabloe, I stuck my head in the sand hoping it would all miraculously turn itself around.  But of course, it didn't and now I find myself at age 47, about to divorce, unable to afford my house, not sure what I can afford and a nervous wreck.  My kids look to me for answers and I have none.  I am working in an administrative position and I really don't mind that that's all it is.  I don't have the drive for a more lucrative career and yet long term, I cannot support myself and my kids on this income. 

It is doubtful that my STBX will ever earn much of a living again and the idea that my kids will be totally relying on me, is just too much to bear. 

When I think back to when I first had my older daughter, I strived to do everything "perfectly"...from how I fed her to how I dressed her, the types of activities she was involved with...and now it's come to this.  We are poor...and that's so hard to accept.  And I am so ashamed because I know that I bear a lot of the responsibility.

Running on empty

My bank account is getting dangerously low and I find myself gripped with fear.  We' ve been living off savings for a few years and the end is near.  I know I won't have enough income to support my kids and myself.  Anyone I talk to either says it will all work out somehow or try to figure out how to make more money.  I feel so alone, so helpless and like such a fool and a failure. 

My daughter's bat Mitzvah is this weekend and we are having a party...inexpensive, relatively speaking but still a sizeable outlay of money considering our circumstances.  She is so excited and I play along, I don't want to ruin her day.  But I am anything but excited.  To me it seems like a "last hurrah"...after this, poverty and doom. 

I know I was spoiled and had it easy for many years and I deserve this hardship.  I watched it coming, helplessly...hoping some miracle would prevent its coming to pass.  But it's here and I don't know what to do.  My life is one terrible joke. 

Feeling Suicidal

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what's in a name?

I play a lot of scrabble on line and recently one of my opponents said that "mara", which is my first name, was a word and that it had several meanings.  So of course, I looked it up.

One definition that I already knew was confirmed...Mara means bitter or sad in Hebrew.

The other definitions were not much better...

1. The Hindu god of death.
2. The opposite of Karma.
3. A hare-like rodent.
4. A demon woman who sits on people's chests and gives them nightmares!

Perhaps my name is the source of my perpetual state of unhappiness?  I cannot ever remember being really happy.  My name is apparently fitting. :(

Jumping into the abyss

So we are getting divorced.  He has no income...but as he says, "the sky's the limit" for his earning potential!  Meanwhile, he went out and rented a 3 bedroom 2.5 bath townhouse for $2100 a month! 

We have been meeting with a mediator to keep the legal fees down.  He has been saying that he will support the kids and me from his savings (which are dwindling), in the mediator's office he said he would be willing to pay me and the kids $2200 a month towards the monthly expenses of $8500...I recently started working parttime and net about $1000 a month. 

My house is going on the market at the end of March but I will need to rent a place after this area, the rent will be at least $2500 a month.  I will have some money in savings but not a lot. 

The miracle I was hoping for is nowhere in sight.  Not sure how I'm going to swing this.

Fear & Waiting for a Miracle

Every now and then, and lately more and more often, I get an overwhelming sense of dread and fear.  I feel like I am at the edge of a cliff and I am staring straight down into the abyss.

In a way, I know I walked myself straight up to this edge...I have no idea, how to get off without falling over it.

I set myself up to be dependent on a man...I went to college and didn't really focus on what I wanted to do...somehow, I thought, once I graduated, I would figure it all out.  I was so happy when I met my husband...not only because I was happy to have a boyfriend....but it was like I was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.  Someone to rescue me...he was a lawyer...everyone I knew who had a parent who was a lawyer was wealthy!  In the back of my head, I was able to need for me to worry about my career and supporting myself!  When we got married, he wasn't making a big salary...he was working for a bank.  I was working and was making a little more than half of what he made...together we were ok.  The problem was, I was really stressed out and had an incredibly long what did I do?  I took a job close to home that paid less and was not management (I became an administrative assistant)...but at this point, he had switched to another bank and was earning more money and we had bought a house.

I didn't want to think about children because I knew we couldn't make it on one salary and I couldn't see myself working and having kids.  But within a year of buying the house, my first daughter was born...somehow, within the next year he started making a lot more money.  It was like a miracle but almost in my life was turning out as it though I deserved this!  

Flash forward to now...we have two kids 12 and 15, getting closer to college in a more expensive house (better school district...only the best for our kids!)...for the past four years he has been in and out of first it seemed like it wouldn't be long til he was making what he had been making...and we had a lot of money saved up so there was no rush for me to get working....Now his latest, is his own consulting business...we are going through our savings quickly and I cannot discuss my fears with him...that would mean I am being I swallow them, talk to a therapist, write on EP...but the fact of the matter is...I don't know how to move forward...I've started looking for a job but since my most recent employement experience is 1994, I am not getting any interviews!  Even when I get a job, it will not come close to paying our bills.

I know the time will come to sell our house and move...but my husband has to agree that the time has come...and he is not ready to throw in the towel.  

So the fear grips me...and I feel so alone.  I know my life is much better than many other people's.  I am very aware of that! But none the less, it's my life that's falling apart and I don't even know where to begin trying to keep the pieces together.  So, I wait...for a miracle....

1-12 of 12 Blogs   

Previous Posts
My friend, posted July 4th, 2013, 2 comments
Remember the good times, posted May 5th, 2013
No where to turn, posted February 18th, 2013, 2 comments
Want to enjoy the time I have, posted July 7th, 2012, 1 comment
It gets better?, posted April 8th, 2012, 4 comments
Birthday dinner, posted December 17th, 2011, 1 comment
You don't need drugs or alcohol to mess up your life, posted December 11th, 2011, 3 comments
Shame, posted May 30th, 2011
Running on empty, posted May 12th, 2011, 4 comments
Feeling Suicidal, posted March 18th, 2011, 4 comments
what's in a name?, posted February 12th, 2011, 10 comments
Jumping into the abyss, posted February 7th, 2011, 9 comments
Fear & Waiting for a Miracle, posted July 31st, 2010, 2 comments

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